Ep #24: How to Balance a Relationship & a Business

In this episode of the Integrative Entrepreneur, Dr. Nick & Dr. Nicole discuss their relationship. That’s right, the husband and wife dream team share their journey of running a business together. Tune in to learn the difference between harmony and distractions and how hiring an adult nanny might be the secret sauce…

“You’re blending two people who have had past programming and experiences.” -Dr. Nicole

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Noteworthy Time Stamps:

2:50 Have fun and keep it light
4:15 Blending two people’s lives
10:30 Overcoming reactivity and the emotional charge
12:38 Preconceived notions
14:32 Steps to take
16:07 Confusing harmony and distractions
20:50 Why not to say sorry
26:40 Storytelling with an example
30:40 Neuroplasticity
35:15 Where you have conversations matters
40:30 Zone of genius
43:00 When to hire an adult nanny
51:00 The kid component

LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE

Dr. Nicole:

This is the Integrative Entrepreneur Podcast where it’s not what you do but how you do it. This is a podcast for entrepreneurs brought to you by entrepreneurs. We have been building a multimillion-dollar healthcare business for over 10 years, and we have weaved together some of the best information for the people that are doing the best work in the business. This includes Dr. Demartini, who is a master in human behavior, to Verne Harnish who has created the methodologies of scaling up, that has scaled many, many of the best businesses that we all know of. We want you to not only have a business that you love, but also a life that you love.

Welcome back to another episode of the Integrative Entrepreneur Podcast. I don’t even know where that just came from, but it just came out. I think Nick just needed a smile today.

Dr. Nick:

Today, we’re just going to sing the entire time. Lay some beats.

Dr. Nicole:

The topic is very fitting because we’re talking about being in a relationship while also being in business together. This is a topic that’s actually been requested. I want to just preface with, guys, we don’t have it all figured out. We definitely do our best and make a consistent effort. We’re not intending this podcast to say do what we do, but to maybe inspire your own version of it.

I really want to make that clear, because I honestly hate when people do podcasts and webinars and are like, “Do what we do because we’re awesome.” That is definitely not the point. The point is that there are actually really strategic ways of going about improving communication with your business partner, and this could be your spouse. It doesn’t have to be your spouse, because a business partner is practically your spouse. What do they call it? Work wife, work husband? But the communication, it applies to your leadership team and your frontline team, so it really comes down to improving communication, and there are ways of doing this that are methodical and strategic.

Dr. Nick:

Yeah, just yell at the other person.

Dr. Nicole:

It always works out well.

Dr. Nick:

Every time. That’s just the go to. Just get your emotions out, just yell at the other person and everything’s going to work out.

Dr. Nicole:

We’re not going to say that it doesn’t happen sometimes, but we usually try to do that in private. But I will say, lesson number one is take things a bit more lightly and have fun. I think it’s something that sounds so silly, but you have to be a bit playful especially because business can get really serious, relationships can be really serious.

Dr. Nick:

Well, both are work. People think that we come home from a hard day of work and then we think that the relationship is supposed to be easy-breezy, and that’s a fantasy.

Dr. Nicole:

Or vice versa.

Dr. Nick:

Yeah, or vice versa. You put all the time in the relationship, and you want work to be easy-breezy. But anything worthwhile that’s intended to grow takes work. Otherwise, if we’re not putting energy into grow something, it’s going to do the opposite, it’s going to die and decay. So, whether that’s a relationship at work, whether that’s a relationship at home, everything worthwhile takes work. It sounds draining, but that’s where the fun comes in. It’s like, it’s not so much work when we can make it fun. If it’s not fun, then it’s work, then it’s draining, then we start yelling.

Dr. Nicole:

But I think people live in a fantasy that relationships shouldn’t be work, that it should just be, this is my soulmate and everything is easy and-

Dr. Nick:

That’s called a Disney movie.

Dr. Nicole:

Yeah. Things are not always easy because you’re blending two different sets of core values together and you’re blending two different belief systems together, and you’re also blending together two people that have had past programming and past experiences. Some of those experiences were good, that shaped who they are, and some of those experiences are presumed to be negative or adversities. So, you’re blending a lot of things together. It’s not that it has to be work in a negative way, but it’s being able to take that step back and truly put yourself in the other person’s shoes at moments.

You know, I was out to dinner with a couple of girlfriends. Of course, we’re talking about relationships and family and communication and this and that. I called one of my friends out and I was like, “I just want you to understand that at this point in time your husband resents you.” That could sound really blunt and brutal, but I was like, you’re just not seeing it, and he is resentful. He is also coming into conversations guarded at this point in time because he knows the expectation. He knows the outcome of what’s going to happen. You’re going to say something, it’s going to be passive aggressive, and then it’s going to just turn into the blame game of how your needs are not being met, so on and so forth. I was like, I understand because you’re both are in places that you’re both resentful and this is completely blocking your communication.

But if you were to have a conversation with a girlfriend and walk into it not emotionally charged, you would be able to say, “Oh, Sally, you’re having a hard time with your husband. Okay, what’s going on?” You’ll be able to see both sides because you’re an outsider and you don’t have any emotional ties to it. Of course, you might have your friend’s back, but you’re able to see it more clearly. And you don’t always see clearly when you’re in your own relationship where emotions are already heightened.

Nick can obviously speak to this even more. I’m speaking really just from a perception standpoint. Nick is obviously going to come from the human behavior standpoint of why people show up this way, but it’s just an interesting thing that I feel intuitively. I’ve always just said, “Okay, I’m definitely being triggered in this moment, but let me walk away and put myself in the other person’s shoes,” because this person is not acting a certain way because they … Especially with your spouse, they’re not acting a certain way because they hate you or they’re malicious, they’re acting a certain way because they’re being triggered by the situation and they don’t maybe always have the best coping skills and they don’t really know how to buffer the situation.

Dr. Nick:

Yeah. Looking at a human behavior, and you used the strong word resent, we’ve all been there resenting different things in our life. It could be resenting-

Dr. Nicole:

Resenting your business?

Dr. Nick:

Resentment in a business, resentment in a relationship. It’s like, everything’s great but then the dogs become needy and they resent to, “Why the fuck do I have a dog right now?” It’s like all these things.

That’s where when our mindset ends, we attract that. We attract more of that bullshit, of that resentment because that’s really … When we look at, and this is going to be very, very broad, but when we see things externally it’s because that’s the being who we are in that moment. It’s not so much that there’s this resentment, like we are resentful. That is us in that moment, so everything that we see goes through a lens of being resentful. It’s very hard to have fun, to be joyous, to be able to share love when that’s the lens of reality that we’re perceiving things. That gets out of hand and then all of a sudden we’re having an argument about the fucking dishes and the sink. “Why are the dishes in the sink?” It’s never about the dishes in the sink.

But it’s really going back in … A lot of it has to do with expectations. To be able to look at what are the expectations we have not only externally, what are the expectations in the relationship with our business, what’s the expectations that we have in our personal relationships, but foundationally it’s what are the expectations that we have with ourselves? That’s going back to the candid conversation always with within first because it’s always our external environment. Like I was saying before, is the creation of the perception of how we see.

Like you said, everything’s a perception. Well, that’s true. I went through nature nurture with a couple the other day. They’re having disagreements on how to raise their kids. Really, when you go through … Making the long story short, we can set up the best quality environment to both challenge and support a child to be able to allow them to grow, to give them the necessary means for the best opportunities, but at the end of the day, it’s the child’s perception of their environment, of what’s handed to them. Based on that perception, they’re going to see more benefits or more drawbacks.

Really, when it comes to our own life, perception trumps everything. Whether we see something to be able to be in the way to serve us or is it on the way? So, how we look at things is really the fundamental most important aspect of our lives. That’s the start of our intention with our communication. Are we open or are we closed off emotional as we’re coming into, whether that’s relationship with our business, relationship with our spouse?

If we’re already highly emotional going into a scenario, we’re going to be reactive. Because anytime that we’re emotional, the reason we are emotional is based on seeing more benefits or more drawbacks. We have a heightened response. It’s going to be more positive if we’re seeing more benefits, it’s going to be more negative if we’re seeing more drawbacks. Based on that, we’re going to be reactive instead of actually going through the forebrain, the prefrontal cortex also known as the executive center, to be able to increase that awareness so that we can actually see the broad spectrum of benefits and drawbacks.

Once we can see both sides, we’re not actually as reactional, we’re not emotional. We can see something for truly what it is, have a greater understanding. And then, from that greater understanding and awareness, be able to make decisions that are not polarized, that are actually more in harmony, more meaningful to us as well as to the business or to the personal relationship, to be able to allow that to grow and flourish together.

Coming down, like you said, being able to set that intention to be grounded. To be able to hear the other person and not just being in the mind coming up with a comeback to be able to shut them down and seeing like a stupid piece of shit and winning the fight. Because anytime that you’re being reactive in that, you’re trying to win. Anytime you’re trying to win, that means that the opposite side has to lose. That’s not optimal growth. That’s not optimal love. That’s pretty much a win-lose relationship. Whether that’s win-lose in business or win-lose at home, both of them is going to hinder your ability to grow.

When we come back to a win-win relationship, whether that’s in business or at home, it’s to be able to take the time to be able to see where the other person’s processing, how they’re processing, have the understanding and then make sure that the values of the business, the values of you, the values of you, the values of your significant other are all being served, nurtured and growing together. That’s the major difference between win-lose and win-win.

Dr. Nicole:

Well, I want to get into some of that, but what you were saying before I think is really significant in the sense that there are a lot of individuals that are stepping into conversations with emotions, but a lot of it is stemming from past experiences. So, there’s a lot of assumptions that are being made already, or they’re working out of patterns with an expectation that someone is going to act a certain way, or they are acting maliciously against that person. This really comes from the fact that a lot of individuals have not been given the tools on how to work through past emotional adversities and past experience. Also, they don’t have the ability to understand that those patterns are not necessarily recreating themselves because they look similar or sound similar. 

We have the ego that’s protecting us and then we tap into that limbic center and we start having that automatic emotional reaction. I’ve seen this a million times with myself, I’ve seen it with friends. You just kind of walk away and you go, “What was that about? I don’t think that really had anything to do with the current conversation.” I think step one for that is acknowledgement is, acknowledging when you are having a reaction and you’re like, “Wow, that was my old shit,” that was my family problems or that was my past relationship problems. Being able to just say, “Hey, I’m going to be really vulnerable right now. I’m sorry that I reacted that way, but I think I’m actually operating out of my old experiences, my old programming. I really want to just acknowledge that so that I can change how I react in the future.”

Dr. Nick:

God, you put so many things I want to work on right there.

Dr. Nicole:

Don’t go too deep because I got other stuff to say.

Dr. Nick:

Let’s just keep moving forward then.

Dr. Nicole:

Well, the other thing too is I obviously want people to walk away with an understanding of what are steps that you can take. In all of the podcasts that we’ve been doing here on Integrative Entrepreneur we’ve talked a lot about core values and we’ve talked a lot about … It’s not just about the core values of your company, what your company stands for, but those core values really come from the core values of the CEO. If the CEO is married to someone else in the business, no matter what position they’re in, you’re really dealing with blended core values. These core values really shape the culture of the business and the product or the service, the client experience, but it also is how you choose to run a household and run a family. A lot of people are not overly clear on what are their core values, what is the most important to them. The reason why this is so foundational is because this is what shapes your communication. 

There was a long period of time that I feel like you and I, we were getting by by not being clear on our values and not being clear on our communication strategies, but I think it’s because we were distracted. We were distracting ourselves with the business. We were coming home and working on the laptop. There was always a deadline, there was always something to do. Oh, we have to worry about this, that, the other thing with the business. So, don’t be confused with having harmony in your relationship when really all you have is distractions.

Dr. Nick:

Yeah. I’m going to probably be all over the place so maybe reel me back in if I get too far out. When it comes to distractions, I was having a conversation last night with a friend that distractions is almost like an aspect of an addiction because really we’re all addicted to distractions to keep us from focusing on what’s really going to give us the biggest return on in life. That return on that investment is an expenditure of energy as well as time, and there tends to be a component of pain with it.

When we look at pain, pain comes in many different forms. I would say, foundationally, the biggest form of pain that majority of us are connected with is loss. The form of loss can be presented in many different ways but it’s understanding that anytime that we want to grow, you can’t have a building up with without a break down. You can’t have a game without a loss. So, anytime that we’re wanting something better into our life, we also have to give something up. The easiest way to pretty much make our way to be safe and in control is to not lose that. When we’re pretty much becoming addicted to, whether that’s entertainment or whether that’s to work or whether that’s to let’s clean the house, whatever we’re pretty much putting our energy into to keep us away from actually giving us that big return is because we’re running away from loss. That can be running away from the hard conversation with yourself, hard conversation in business, hard conversation-

Dr. Nicole:

Don’t you think that a lot of this comes back to fear and those limiting beliefs as well? Because I think that, a common theme that I see is individuals that have this sense of lack of deserving or lack of attainment in the sense that they’re like, I know that I’m working towards my business becoming successful and profitable and I know that I ideally would love a harmonious marriage, or at least to be married to someone that I can have a really great time with but also be able to have a structured life with. I think people just don’t feel like that’s real or that’s attainable or that they deserve it. They distract themselves from focusing on the things that can really get them there because they’re like, “Well, is it a fantasy? Maybe it is a fantasy, so let me just keep distracting myself.”

Dr. Nick:

Well, I’m going to say you’re 100% right. Maybe I wasn’t clear on how I was really trying to explain everything. You’re 100% right in a way that whether … We’re playing the same game, I guess you could say, we’re just on different levels. Each level, we have to be able to get to the next level. To be able to get to the next level, we have to lose something, and we have to gain something. Each level, we’re going through that establishment of, “Oh, I have to lose another portion of myself in order to be something different, to gain a bigger aspect.” Whatever that gain is, it really just comes back to self-love. It’s like, do I not deserve this, whether that deservement is a certain amount of money to bring in. Do I not deserve this much love from a spouse? Do I not deserve time to relax and actually have free time? Am I always supposed to be working my ass off? We have to break through these patterns to be able to allow us to lose something in order to have something different.

So, we’re 100% both right. I think the fear, the false evidence appearing real. We’re using distraction to take over that but then, foundationally, it’s we hate to lose things. That’s why, crazy enough, I never would have thought, but the majority of work I do is grief work with people because-

Dr. Nicole:

And not just from loss of loved ones.

Dr. Nick:

Oh, no. It could be loss of a business, it could be loss of a house, it could be loss of a car, it could be loss of dogs, it could be loss of anything. That’s how grief is, it’s an effect of the perception of loss.

This is a completely different podcast, but you said something about, “Let me say I’m sorry that I was at place of …” yada, yada, yada. It’s like, once you get down to the foundation of human behavior, there’s nothing we should be saying sorry about because anytime there’s a problem, and we’re a part of that problem, we’re also a part of that solution. The reason I say that is, I would say two-founded,  is that it always takes more than one person to have an issue and there’s many-

Dr. Nicole:

Hell, yeah.

Dr. Nick:

And there’s many different layers to this.

Dr. Nicole:

So stop thinking that you’re the innocent one.

Dr. Nick:

Oh, yeah. There’s no innocence in life. That’s a whole another podcast. But it’s really coming back to the foundation of if we’re a part of a problem, there’s a teacher in that to be able to give us a solution. We are the solution. It’s like, we can look at it at are we the problem or are we the solution? And that becomes, are we a growth mindset or are we a fixed mindset? If we’re a fixed, we stay in the problem, we stay in the shit and it compounds to be able to create enough pain so that we can actually translate or focus on to becoming more of the solution.

It’s being able to realize that the goal in life is to be able to serve ourselves so that we can actually give more service, so much that we’re trying to do the opposite. We’re trying to serve others, and then through that service, trying to serve our self. And that’s a backward concept. It’s like happy wife, happy life. Short term, yeah. But long term, no. So, it’s really about happy life, happy wife. You can’t give something that you don’t have. It’s very simple concept. It’s like, yeah you can put the air mask, oxygen mask on the kids first in the plane but if you don’t put it on yourself in time, that’s it, that’s the help you’ll ever give them. 

It’s really understanding from the foundation, is we always have to build ourselves up. Once we can shine our light, we can actually allow others to shine their light. Whether that comes into just personal or just business. We’re actually meshing personal with business, so we spend every single day together. This is a day off and we’re doing podcast together. Still business. It’s about, like you said, making sure that both parties are having fun because if there’s not fun, that carries over to every other aspect of life. How we show up in life is really we look at it like a flywheel. I forget who the artist was, but it’s really we’re building up energy. 

And Louise Hay always says, “The better it gets, the better it gets. The worse it gets, the worse it gets.” It’s really understanding that energy flows the direction of where attention is, our attention goes. It’s being able to decipher where you are putting your attention. Foundationally, that has to be driven and grown from our value system. If we don’t have clarity on our values, what are our personal values, the values of the business, the values of your family, the values of your spouse, if you’re not clear on what all those different values are and how your highest values serves all the other different values, how your values serves the business, how your values serves your spouse and vice versa, then there’s not going to be that fair exchange. And when there’s not a fair exchange, guess what? There is resentment. When there is resentment, we shut down.

So, it’s really going back to be able to say, okay, “We have resentment. Awesome.” It’s just a feedback mechanism. It’s a teacher, it’s a lesson put through our journey for both myself, as well as the person on the other side to be able to use it to grow from so that we can connect and better start serving ourselves. That’s all it is.

Dr. Nicole:

Tangent.

Dr. Nick:

I brought it back with resent.

Dr. Nicole:

I know, I know.

Dr. Nick:

Full circle.

Dr. Nicole:

One thing that I want to-

Dr. Nick:

Makes a square.

Dr. Nicole:

You said so many pearls there, but I think the key thing of what you’re saying is it’s not about putting your energy on the other person, saying, “Once you do this, then everything will be better. Once you agree with this, everything will be better.” It’s about doing the work on yourself and then being able to communicate that work.

What you’re saying with the values, again, for those of you that have not taken the time to do your values, this is something that we actually offer, like a very basic intro course through our growth factory program. Obviously, when you work with us throughout the triple D program, which is the Deep Dive Diagnostic, we dive way, way deeper into the core values, and this is your personal core values, the core values of your business. We actually even take you through a workshop that allows your business partner and your leadership team to all bring together through a very specific exercise what are the core values, the most important core values for the business. So, it’s really, really amazing work. The work is continuous because the values can change.

A story that I think is really, really helpful in understanding this is … We’ve worked with Demartini for a really long time at this point, and there’s just some stories that he has told that really stood out to me. He has had a lot of individuals that have come to him, unfortunately, in emergency situations. Those emergency situations are, “My husband,” or wife “is about to pack their bags and be out the door. I don’t really know if we’re going to be able to bounce back from this, but I really want to work with you to give it a try.” He’s literally flown to people’s homes and done the methodology with them in order to see if he can help them to salvage their marriage.

A lot of it just comes back to this complete disconnect with values. And there was just a very specific situation that … There was a couple. They weren’t in business together, but I do feel that this is something that we’ve even dealt with as being business partners for Nick and I. It was a mom and wife who had a massive value on the children, massive value on making sure that they had an amazing house, that they had amazing education, they went to the best schools, they had a very eco-friendly environment. A lot of her values revolved around making sure that the kids have the best of the best. There was a lot of criticism that the husband was not always around. He worked a lot and he didn’t always make time to attend to certain things for the kids, so on and so forth.

When Demartini was taking them through this process, he was really showcasing how it was the money that was being made through the business, through the husband, that was allowing them, the wife, to really have her core values met. Because then, she was able to have the finances in order to fund all of the things that she felt was really important for herself but also the family values.

Really, from the vice versa perspective is that he was getting very frustrated because of the constant judgment that he wasn’t around. They were really able to showcase both of the values and how they came together in order to actually create the family environment that they were unfortunately just not seeing and not being grateful for. It was just such an interesting moment, and it sounds like it almost could be simple.

But when you get so blinded by emotions and resentment and you don’t improve your communication strategies, these little things just compound, compound, compound and become something so big to the point that you’re just like, “I’m going to go and move on to the husband that’s going to be home and want to spend more time with the family and the kids,” not realizing that there’s going to be drawbacks associated with that because maybe there won’t be the access to the finances that allow for all of the rest of the values to be fulfilled.

Dr. Nick:

Yeah, the human behavior. The grass is always greener on the other side, but it’s understanding that, going back to there’s nothing to be sorry about, that everything’s actually perfect in the single moment. When our awareness can increase, we can make better quality decisions to be able to continually serve ourselves. It’s understanding that as soon as we can increase the awareness to see that, “Thank God, my husband missed this recital because he was actually better serving himself so he could better serve the family.” At the same time, you’re at the recital too to go through.

Last week, I was doing Demartini method. A woman had stuff she’d carried around for over 40 years, resentment to her father that left the family at a young, young age, but quickly realized, really just to the very first question, pre-framing, she saw, after answering that, that literally everything that he did that she resented really made her to have the strength, to have all these self-independence, to be able to make a bunch of money on herself, to be “successful,” have all these things. She pretty much just went through, and everything that she resented really was the creation of developing and giving and serving what was most important to her today. It was very funny that through the very first question, she goes, “Oh, wow, this is going to be fun.” It didn’t really change because really when we do that, when we change our perception, what that’s doing is actually changing the neuronal firing in our brain.

Google this, neuroplasticity. It’s a very fun, fun word to understand. But really, just when we look at neuroplasticity, every single nerve goes through a process of … when riding a bike, the brain, the muscles, they’re all firing in a specific way to build strength for a specific activity. However, our emotions are very similar to this. When we have an emotional reaction, that pathway gets fired. The more we tell that story, the more we come back to it, that pathway gets stronger and stronger and stronger. The pathway actually … I was going to make up another word there.

Dr. Nicole:

Oh, God.

Dr. Nick:

Recruit. Recruit all the neurons close to it to make it more efficient so the brain always try not to waste any energy. What’s very interesting is when we go through, and we can actually increase our perception, our awareness to have an equal amount of benefits as well as drawbacks, what we do is we change and we model how those neuroplasticity works. We change the different connections between the brain so that it’s firing not in an imbalance perspective but through a harmonious standpoint. When we do that, we actually rewire, remodel the brain so that once we do it enough, when we come back and “get” to a specific scenario that would trigger us, we’re not triggered anymore because the neural pathway has changed. It’s not going back connected to an imbalance perspective, it’s going back and driving a balance perspective that we pretty much attach to gratitude, to gratefulness.

So now, when she goes back to those memories, because we always have the memories, we don’t get away from them, but now she actually can use those memories for gratitude to build on, to understand that it’s really was there to serve her. It wasn’t on the way as a distraction and disservice.

Dr. Nicole:

A hundred percent. Obviously, we’ve talked a lot about values. Even in our personal business and our personal relationship, we find that this is a foundational piece but there are other layers. Some of the other things that we have embarked upon understanding is neurolinguistic programming, which is also known as NLP, as well as even just the love languages. These things have taught us different things about each other. It’s also taught us a lot about our team members, because we’ve actually had our team members do the same exercises. But even from an NLP perspective, this actually helps you to understand how people best receive information. If it’s auditory, meaning talking to them. If it’s more visual, showing them something, some type of diagram or PowerPoint even. Or if it always has to make sense, that’s something called auditory digital. Or someone who is very tactile and it has to feel a certain way.

You actually pick up on this in their verbiage. “Oh, I see what you’re saying,” “Oh, I hear you,” “Oh, that makes sense.”

Dr. Nick:

This feels right.

Dr. Nicole:

Yeah, “This feels good.” These are things that if you start paying attention, you might notice it in the verbiage of your spouse or your business partner. It’s very interesting because even for myself, when Nick used to come to me in the mornings and say, “Hey, okay, so we’re going to do this, this, and this, and this today,” I would literally be so massively disgruntled, and I really didn’t understand why. I was just like, “Just stop. I can’t hear you. I’m not processing what you’re saying. I just need a moment.”

Dr. Nick:

Here we go again.

Dr. Nicole:

It’s just interesting, I’ve actually found that a lot of individuals, when we tell this story, they’re like, “Oh, my gosh, that’s totally me.” I think it is a common theme in individuals that are leaders in their company because you almost want to take information and process it or marinate with it for a little while before being able to create a strategy, a plan or even responding. So now, he’ll actually either write something down or even send it in an email, and then we’ll actually address it at a later time in the day or even a later day.

We also are very strategic about the environment that we have our conversations. We started realizing that when we try to have conversations on on lunch breaks or different breaks at the office, or even brought these conversations home and had them before, during or after dinner, it was not going well. We realized that our meetings, if these were meetings about the business or something creative or strategic or visionary, we needed to have a designated time in a designated environment. We found that being outdoors was actually the most helpful. If this was a bike ride, or a hike, or even skiing, us being out of our normal environment, in an environment that we thoroughly enjoy, that allows us to feel more grounded. Those were our best conversations.

Dr. Nick:

And it’s really nothing new. We could go back to the Rockefeller habits. They had their morning walks where they would go through and be able to converse. Then you look at that and compound that with just the neurology of why being outdoors, why walking, while moving while standing up. What that does different when we can actually see. Nothing’s blocking our vision so that we can actually create more. There’s a lot of science that goes into that. It’s not just like this woodo hippie I need to be outdoors and connected and grounded.

Dr. Nicole:

But that’s what just makes us feel good.

Dr. Nick:

Right.

Dr. Nicole:

Some people feel great doing something like that over dinner, over a nice meal or a cocktail or something like that. We just find that we’re the most clear or the most inspired when we’re in that environment. You have to figure out what that is for you.

But like Dr. Nick said with the Rockefeller habits, this is actually extremely infiltrated in the scaling up methodology and everything that we teach at the Integrative Growth Institute. We are looking at tried and true processes that have built some of the biggest and most successful organizations in the world. These are habits. These are things that you do on a repeated basis in order to yield success, but also yield happiness. Because it’s very easy to have a primary focus on your business and, “Oh, the business is going well, but I’m barely surviving in my personal life. My relationship is on the rocks and my kids are acting crazy and being rebellious,” so on and so forth.

If you’re dealing with issues at home, it’s inevitable that it’s going to trickle into your business and vice versa. It’s really just a matter of being able to understand that it’s all interconnected. How you show up in your personal life and how you show up for your spouse, how you show up for yourself is what’s going to allow you to have more success and more clarity in your business. And then, that really allows you to have more balance and that then allows you to do more of the things that you would enjoy from a personal perspective.

Dr. Nick:

Yeah, beautifully put. Wrapping this up, the goal is therefore to be the awareness on the balance. Because when we have balance, we have more flow. When we have more flow, we can create more. There’s more of a pull and less of a push in that resistance to hold us back. When we look at that balance, part of it could be the work-life balance but really not in the way that’s 50-50 or 60-40. Not balance like that, but the balance of the understanding through what you’re giving both at work and what you’re giving at home and that both parties are equally being fulfilled. But first, primarily the most important, that you’re being fulfilled on the amount and the quality that you’re giving at work as well as home.

Sometimes, like we said, going back to the very first and foremost is perception. You might think that being at home is a waste of your time if you’re that person, male or female, your biggest aspect is providing. It’s like, I’m here to work to be able to provide you all these opportunities so that you can use that to best serve yourself. But, if the perception on the other end is you don’t love me, you don’t care, you’re never here, then it doesn’t matter really what you’re doing, the perception is that it’s not out of love. So, a lot of it comes back to it’s not what we do but how we do it and how we present it.

Going back to one of our previous podcast on sales, ever single sale needs to be connected to the other person’s highest values. It’s not until they can actually see, whether it’s through the feel or through the touch, through the sight, through the sound, through smell. It’s not so they can sense that and use that to serve themselves, it’s that if they can’t, they’re going to have resentment. It’s about taking the time to have the conversation so that both parties can be on the same page in understanding really the reasoning why, behind, we’re doing the things that we’re doing. Once we can understand, then we can actually love.

Dr. Nicole:

100%. The final thing that I want to mention here, because I don’t even know how we didn’t touch on it so far, is staying in your zone of genius. This is really important because this can create a lot of turmoil.

For Nick, I think there was just a bit of a stigma or an idea of what I was supposed to be doing in the business and then idea of what he was supposed to be doing in the business. I don’t know if it was just societal influence or even just our own perception and our own programming of how we grew up, but there was this idea that he was supposed to handle the finances of the business and that I was supposed to handle the operations of the business and the marketing of the business.

When we really got down to being super, super honest with ourselves, he hates doing the fucking finances of business. Literally hates it. He was constantly being taken out of his zone of genius. It was something that was not serving him, but it also wasn’t serving the business and it sure as hell wasn’t serving me. Because there were just days that he was, I think, just disappointed in himself to not be the expert in that. He would not speak for two or three days. “What’s going on? How are you?” “Fine. Fine.” It was his own internal struggle that was going on and it was something that was definitely very draining for him. When he was able to say, “I just hate doing this. This is the part that I want to contribute, and this is the part that I don’t want to contribute.” And then we hired externally. We also came across scaling up, and Greg Crabtree who brought together the simplistic aspect so that we can actually interpret what our CFO and accountant was giving us.

This was something that now became empowering. It’s not something that he just felt like this massive burden of. The same thing for myself, my true talents really falls in the people, in the organizational health. Yes, I can do marketing and yes, I can do other things, but it’s really better because those were draining to me. The idea of figuring out how this connects to this and clicks to that and how the email funnel gets kicked off, that stuff was mind numbing to me. I love the creative aspect of making something look pretty or creating something that would look nice on social media, but all the rest was not really something that lit me up and it also was taking me away from my zone of genius. So, we decided, “Okay, this is something that needs to be delegated out and we need to hire someone that this is something that lights them up.”

It’s really important for you to get really honest with yourself and to create a strategic plan around that. I’m not saying go hire a ton of people tomorrow, but it’s being able to have that list to say, “As we grow to this or as we reach these benchmarks, these are the things that I would really love to delegate because this is really distracting me and it’s taking me away from my zone of genius, which is draining me, which is now draining my relationship.”

Dr. Nick:

That’s the same thing at home. The person that’s the caretaker at home-

Dr. Nicole:

Oh, when I threatened you about getting an adult nanny, we call her? Not housekeeper, like an adult nanny.

Dr. Nick:

And it’s only to take care of me.

Dr. Nicole:

But I was like, if I literally am going to run this business and come home and clean the dishes, I’m going to kill you specifically.

Dr. Nick:

And that … I mean, that’s pretty much the exact words that she said, yes. But it’s really understanding that, I was like, ” you know, I was like, okay, so she’s emotional.

Dr. Nicole:

But I just walked away and let him marinate on it and then we circled back.

Dr. Nick:

For me, I processed but I processed in many different ways as, okay, if this is something that we’re going to implement, how much is this is going to cost us? This is what takes the fear out because fear is just-

Dr. Nicole:

You mean financially, or you mean all aspects?

Dr. Nick:

Once again, Helen’s very impatient. Unrealistic expectations. So, what is this going to cost us for her to come home to be emotional, to be drained, to be reactive. What is that costing the family? What is that costing other aspects of our life? Then you put that into a dollar amount of, okay, to be able for us to delegate this, how much is that financially going to cost us? And then, being able to put a dollar amount to all of the hindrances like, if we put a dollar amount to all of that, what is that going to cost us? And if I was able to take that away, all that stress away, and then put it into being productive, how much will we gain from this? What’s that value worth?

Dr. Nicole:

What’s your time worth?

Dr. Nick:

Once you can be able to see, “Oh, my God, I was initially coming from a standpoint of fear that being able to hire, what do you call it, an adult nanny? Like, “Put my diapers on, woman.” Be able to see what this is actually going to physically cost us but at the same time being able to see by paying this amount, how much are we able to gain in the quality of our life but also how much are we able to produce more?

For me, initially it was more on that producing, allowing us to produce more. But then, as soon as I pretty much gave the green light, “Okay, we’ll pay for the adult nanny,” it wasn’t about producing at all. I’m like, I’m never going to give back this much quality aspects of my life ever again. It just showed me, usually you set standards and then you set boundaries. It was really Dr. Nicole doing that and me going along. But as soon as I had that boundary in place, I was able to realize how much more I was able to serve myself, which is really just self-love, and the quality of your life increase. And then that [inaudible 00:46:42] “Oh my God, the more I can delegate, the more specific I can just put energy on that zone of excellence, the more-

Dr. Nicole:

But also put the energy into your core values. I’m even thinking about this current moment right now. So, we have someone who will be here today to take care of some of the at-home tasks and we’re able to do this podcast. One of my primary core values is impact and, also, one of your primary core values is understanding. Maybe the podcast is not understanding but you have the ability to go read or do something that allows you to learn and understand today.

Dr. Nick:

Every time I spend time with you, it forces me to understand life more.

Dr. Nicole:

I’ll take that as a compliment, I think.

Dr. Nick:

Pain pleasure.

Dr. Nicole:

But, no. I think it just brings it all together to just understand that when you have someone in that work relationship or in that family relationship and they are coming to you with that type of request, we always coach around how to present the information properly so the other person is hearing you and not automatically shutting down because of a false perception. But also, for you on the other end is truly understanding where some type of request is coming from. “Hey, I really think we should hire someone. We should hire an executive assistant.” “Hey, I really think that we need a cleaning person.” That individual is not asking for that for no good reason, or because they’re frivolous, or because they’re lazy. They’re asking for that because they feel that their time is more valuable.

And it’s just a matter of probing better questions. “Okay, so if we have this in place, what is going to change about your schedule? What do you plan to be able to leverage with that time?” so on and so forth so you truly understand where the request is coming from.

These are things that I even sometimes have conversations with with our HR and operations department. I was like, “Hire the front desk person for Integrated Wellness Group.” She’s like, “Oh, well, you know payroll, it’s such a good and I just feel like a big struggle is to get it where we wanted to be.” And then I was like, “Okay, so let’s lay these things out.” We just went and we were super data driven. I was like, “One of the individuals is continuously getting stuck at the front desk. These are her top talents. Here’s the things that she could be doing and here’s the things that she could move forward, and this is the financial outcome if she was able to spend the time to move these things forward. So, the amount that we’re paying this other person to take over some of her specific duties, does this make sense? Do you feel that this is worth it?” They’re like, “Oh, yes.”

Dr. Nick:

What you said there is very beautiful in the aspect of that was a business, but the exact same process can happen at home.

Dr. Nicole:

A hundred percent.

Dr. Nick:

And it’s really about saying, “Okay, so we all make decisions based on seeing more benefits than drawbacks.” It’s like, “Let’s not hire somebody because through the awareness that we have, that’s going to create more drawbacks and benefits because it’s going to be more of a stress load on payroll, but as soon as we actually gain more information,” and in that instance, it was being able to show that increase in payroll is actually going to increase revenue, increase flow, increase ease, less pain points, less chaos. So, as soon as you can increase awareness, then you can come back and be like, “Okay, does this make sense or does it not make sense?

This is something that needs to happen at home as well, is be able to go through and say, “Okay, this is your thought process based on the information you have.” Everybody’s always trying to help out, and that’s where … Nobody’s really designed to attack us but they’re coming based off the information they have. You have different information. Everybody has a different lens of how we perceive the world as how we perceive what actions, what decisions we should be taking. So, it’s about going through a process to be able to gather, “Okay, how are you seeing things? This is how I am seeing things. Let’s mash that together and come up with a solution that’s going to serve best of us, serve the business, serve the family.”

This is something that we put a lot of strategy in the meetings, in the business but really the same strategy needs to go in at home. And this is a strategy that honestly, so many times parents are having these candid conversations, having these “arguments,” arguments are neither bad or good, it’s how we use the argument, away from kids. This is just a little input, we need to be having these discussions in front of children because one of the biggest-

Dr. Nicole:

Because they know.

Dr. Nick:

They know, but also they’ll feel … We all feel. Kids can feel. They know when the energy’s not good energy. So many times, they don’t have a prefrontal cortex. They don’t have that executive center of the brain-

Dr. Nicole:

Well, they have it, but it’s not developed.

Dr. Nick:

Correct. So, a lot of times they’ll think that it’s something that they did and-

Dr. Nicole:

A hundred percent.

Dr. Nick:

… they’ll go hide into their room and they’ll hold on to this. They’ll think that mom and dad are fighting because of something they did. But as soon as we can actually go through the process, and it’s a learning process for everybody. As soon as we can go through the process of being able to layout and say, “Okay, this is how I see things, this is how I see things. Clearly, we see things differently, but how can we mash both of these together to be able to help the family as well as each one of us individually?” Once we can go through that process … We’re doing that because we love the other person enough to be able to support as well as challenge them. As soon as we can come up with a decision that’s going to serve the whole family, that is such a teaching process for kids to know that, yeah, we’re going to have challenges, we’re going to have shit come up in life, not everything’s “presumably fair,” but we can take the time to go through to be able to figure out how to best serve the family and best serve ourselves. That’s something that so many kids don’t have the tools today, is to be able to understand pain points-

Dr. Nicole:

Be resilient.

Dr. Nick:

… challenges and to be able to be resilient and adaptable.

Dr. Nicole:

Yeah, 100%. And it’s just inviting your family to have transparent and vulnerable conversations. Like, this is something we implement on a daily basis in our business and we’re mining for conflict. You know when someone rolls their eyes or someone makes a face and being able to be like, “Hey, what’s coming up for you?” Because it might be confusion, it might be lack of clarity, or it might be some type of distress and it’s probably easily fixable.

Running your household is very much like running a business. It’s just, unfortunately, most people don’t have those types of tools. Being able to improve communication in the household and allow kids to have a voice and it’s not just, “We’re the grownups. Do what we say,” it creates so much more trust and it really allows for kids to not be those crazy rebels once they get older. And knowing we all did it, knowing that there’s drugs out there, knowing there’s alcohol out there, knowing that kids are being exposed to this stuff and, God knows, they’re probably being exposed to way more things than I even realized just because the world is a weird place right now. But them having the ability to come home and discuss it and ask the questions and get good feedback and not get feedback from the internet or their friends who are not necessarily in the best home environment.

I know this is one of our longest podcast, but obviously this is a pretty loaded topic. There’s a lot of there’s a lot of things to be considered when you’re trying to really create a balance in your work and personal relationship. Obviously, this translates into your family life and it translates into the success of your company. These are things that we coach very closely at IGI because it’s necessary. A lot of individuals, we take them through the deep dive diagnostic, and they are like, “Oh, business is amazing. Everything’s going well.” And then, on another breath, a lot of things are falling apart at home. And then, there’s a lot of individuals that are like, “Business was going well then I got a divorce, and then business isn’t going well,” and it’s because there’s so much that’s going on with the CEO that they don’t know how to work through the terrain.

We’re always making sure to consider that because it’s not just about having a successful business, but it’s also about having a life that you really love and to not be in a toxic relationship with your business and truly have a business that serves you.

Dr. Nick:

Boom.

Dr. Nicole:

All right, guys. We’ll see you on the next episode. We hope you enjoyed. Please share this with friends, family, loved ones. It’s a really, really important topic. We hope this gives them clarity. All right, we’ll see you soon.

Dr. Nick:

You’ve reached the end of another episode of the Integrative Entrepreneur Podcast. Connect with us at integrative growth institute.com. Don’t forget to sign up to our newsletter to receive our free materials. See you at the next episode.

Dr. Nicole:

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